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Old 05.06.2015, 02:38 PM   #39001
evollove
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I don't think there are any rules about this stuff.

But the fact that you'd even ask is curious. So, you feel guilty you don't feel bad? Do you WISH you felt worse?

Anyway, you'll carry this around forever, and two months is not a long time, so you never know how this'll play out. I just recently started missing my father who died 10 years ago, which was an unexpected change in my previously lukewarm feelings. So as far as I can tell, not caring now doesn't always mean not caring forever.
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Old 05.06.2015, 02:57 PM   #39002
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Good points, evollove. I know it's fresh, early. I see my siblings mourning, feeling sad and nostalgic. I feel nothing like that. One sister keeps asking me about stuff I might want from my father's house, mainly things like old letters I'd written to him, Christmas cards he kept from me, that kind of thing. Maybe it's because I am basically not very sentimental myself, but the stuff means nothing to me.

So maybe I ask because I feel weird that I'm not reacting like them. Sure, a little guilty about it. A little guilty about feeling annoyed to find that they don't see the faults in him that I saw--his pettiness and stinginess, narrow-mindedness. I want to tell my siblings that more than anything, in some ways, my father showed me how NOT to live. He showed me the fallacy of living your life in the past, of being stingy, of being rude to waiters and waitresses and people who served him, including nurses and doctors.
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Old 05.06.2015, 03:00 PM   #39003
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gmku
My father passed away in March, after a short battle with cancer. I've been thinking about the grieving process, wondering how I fit into it, because, in short, I don't feel much grief.

everyone is different. Grieve or do not grieve, at your whim. I lost my father at 17 after 3 years of illness, and two near deaths, and when he finally passed it was more of a weight off my chest and a knowledge that he was not suffering anymore....

Some people do not grieve for years.

Others grieve for years.
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Old 05.06.2015, 03:01 PM   #39004
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what i wanna know is if the dog was as stoned as rob!

 




that rental car was HOT-BOXIN'/Clam-Bakin'! I am sure he was.
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Old 05.06.2015, 03:07 PM   #39005
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Yep. True. I think also I was prepared. I knew he was dying, I visited him frequently during his illness, and I had visited him frequently over the past few years before his death. He was becoming frailer and frailer with each visit, even before he was sick, and he was quite old, so in a way, I think I was just more prepared than my siblings.

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everyone is different. Grieve or do not grieve, at your whim. I lost my father at 17 after 3 years of illness, and two near deaths, and when he finally passed it was more of a weight off my chest and a knowledge that he was not suffering anymore....

Some people do not grieve for years.

Others grieve for years.
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Old 05.06.2015, 03:07 PM   #39006
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gmku
He showed me the fallacy of living your life in the past, of being stingy, of being rude to waiters and waitresses and people who served him, including nurses and doctors.

I'm going on very little here, but it very possible that after a few years, you'll feel a lot of pity for the guy. Not the same as mourning, but it's something.
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Old 05.06.2015, 03:09 PM   #39007
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True. And I think I feel some of this already. I am angry at how he chose to live, but I also feel some pity for him, or regret, perhaps, that he could not see a way to live differently. He was SO stubborn. Incredibly stubborn. Even the hospice people told me they had never seen a man so stubborn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by evollove
I'm going on very little here, but it very possible that after a few years, you'll feel a lot of pity for the guy. Not the same as mourning, but it's something.
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Old 05.06.2015, 03:33 PM   #39008
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Grief is bizarre how it makes random appearances and affects you in different ways at different times.. but it can be very real. Like love, it is one of the mysteries of the human experiencethat is not easily explained away by neurochemistry or psychology.. its spiritual. Also even animals grieve.. elephants continue to visit the bones of dead family and spend time lingering there. They have even been seen crying.. literally!
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Old 05.06.2015, 10:41 PM   #39009
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gmku- that's an interesting way at looking at grief, actually, talking about his personality... maybe that's just how it manifests in you, wishing he had an ability to change some in life. nothing wrong at all.
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Old 05.06.2015, 10:43 PM   #39010
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uptalk drives me up the wall. so many sorority chicks around here, every damn sentence. and when i have to take their order. "i'll have the... something?" and i can't tell if they really want it or not. it's funny if you're using it in a humorous/ironic way... i guess. some vocal tics/trends i'm a bit more forgiving of than others based on my own speech issues but uptalk, man.
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:00 AM   #39011
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I can somewhat tolerate it out in the mundane world of shopping and casual conversation. Somewhat. At least it fits the inanity of the culture and so on. However, at work!? In serious business conversation!? Absolutely nuts that I hear it there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by schizophrenicroom
uptalk drives me up the wall. so many sorority chicks around here, every damn sentence. and when i have to take their order. "i'll have the... something?" and i can't tell if they really want it or not. it's funny if you're using it in a humorous/ironic way... i guess. some vocal tics/trends i'm a bit more forgiving of than others based on my own speech issues but uptalk, man.
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:01 AM   #39012
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Thank you. I see that way, too, I guess. Maybe my grieving process, at least partly, is reviewing how he lived, how he interacted with me and others, and what I can learn, either good or bad, from that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by schizophrenicroom
gmku- that's an interesting way at looking at grief, actually, talking about his personality... maybe that's just how it manifests in you, wishing he had an ability to change some in life. nothing wrong at all.
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:17 AM   #39013
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i think you guys are making too much of this? because it's not that annoying? i mean is it really annoying? maybe? you tell me? i mean the way people talk always changes? am i right? no? yes? i mean when you watch a movie from the 40s? do they talk like we do? i think they speak differently?


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Old 05.07.2015, 09:19 AM   #39014
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I like how things used to be. Don't make me change, dammit. It makes me grumpy.

Uh oh. That sounds a helluvalot like my dad!
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:22 AM   #39015
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wow, i just read your dad posts. dang.

you can't force feeling.

wait, let me do it in the contemporary version of the 80s valley girl.

you can't force feeling? it is what it is??
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:25 AM   #39016
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like yuknoooow whatever?
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:29 AM   #39017
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so grody
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:35 AM   #39018
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True, sir. Part of the problem is, I have one sibling who is rather judgmental about this kind of thing. It probably does not help that I am the fallen-away Catholic in the family, and that I make no pretenses about it. I didn't get up to go to communion at his service, and I got the evil eye, for example.



Quote:
Originally Posted by !@#$%!
wow, i just read your dad posts. dang.

you can't force feeling.

wait, let me do it in the contemporary version of the 80s valley girl.

you can't force feeling? it is what it is??
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:39 AM   #39019
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Quote:
Originally Posted by !@#$%!
i think you guys are making too much of this? because it's not that annoying? i mean is it really annoying? maybe? you tell me? i mean the way people talk always changes? am i right? no? yes? i mean when you watch a movie from the 40s? do they talk like we do? i think they speak differently?


ha ha ha ha

 
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Old 05.07.2015, 09:40 AM   #39020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gmku
True, sir. Part of the problem is, I have one sibling who is rather judgmental about this kind of thing. It probably does not help that I am the fallen-away Catholic in the family, and that I make no pretenses about it. I didn't get up to go to communion at his service, and I got the evil eye, for example.

I hate when relatives get upset when one chooses not to engage in cannibalism for the sake of appeasing the demonic overlords that run the false church of Roman Catholicism...
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