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Old 03.04.2014, 02:11 PM   #61
Rob Instigator
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Bytor is correct. Two become one in a good marriage.

Two become ZERO in a bad one.


You should have heard the horror and despair in my mom's voice when I had to call her and tell her over a decade ago that the doctors had found me fully sterile, and that I would not be giving her grandkids.

For many, marriage is solely about creating the next generation of humans, and that is cool. For others though, marriage is about taking a life journey with a special someone. cal it love, or caring, or respect, or friendship.

The worst marriages in terms of the most damage done to all involved (especially the kids) are the ones where people got together solely because they got pregnant. Those marriages can be toxic from the get-go.
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Old 03.04.2014, 02:36 PM   #62
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Originally Posted by Rob Instigator
The worst marriages in terms of the most damage done to all involved (especially the kids) are the ones where people got together solely because they got pregnant. Those marriages can be toxic from the get-go.

there's also the ones where people marry because they are "in love" (read: temporarily horny) without figuring out if they are actually suited to form a family. great sex is not enough to keep things going for life.

this is the sort of teenage delusion that i meant to explain to kekes in the poetry thread (but didn't). "love" (the early stuff) is good and all, but what matters to a marriage is what's left after the initial fascination has been used up-- because it's always fascinating at the start, but when you start to fart in bed, who smells it? a friend? or a foe?

and in the end you don't just marry the person but the whole family. and that only becomes apparent after a while. better to shack up first than to marry in a hurry.
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Old 03.05.2014, 03:17 PM   #63
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great sex is not enough to keep things going for life.


on the other hand, the lack of it or bad quality of it, is the death sentence of a marriage.
and of course, good sex can be confusing, in the sense keeping a bad relationship going because of it.

so basically, blablablabla we are doomed and blablablabla.
ok, not so much. if you know yourself and what you want etc and can be open about what you want/like + respect + wanting the other to be happy+ good sex = you might survive.
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Old 03.05.2014, 03:33 PM   #64
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i've had so many terrible relationships that kept going because of great passion that i could write 20 tomes about them (but won't). it takes a lot to get one's self unstuck from good sex.

i think the french get the difference. see: the films of eric rohmer, or, blue is the warmest color (i won't say why cuz spoilers if people haven't seen yet).
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Old 03.05.2014, 03:35 PM   #65
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nefeli
sorry but this phrase is a total meh to me.



thats a myth. having kids doesnt save or help a marriage.
on the other hand, if you are in a good relationship already, having and raising kids surely evolves and takes the relationship is a different level. <--erase that. might be a myth as well. it depends.

No, but when people have kids and are married they should prioritize their kids. Too many people are just fucking selfish, just looking out for themselves, meanwhile their children suffer the consequences.. I don't think people should force themselves to say married, but if they have kids, and in particular have been married for several years, including several years of their kids' life, they should work at it.

Just a note. None of our grandparents who were married for 50 or 60 years had perfect marriages, or were perfect people, or were always head over heels in love. They did the fucking WORK it takes to make a marriage last, they also FORGAVE each other of their mutual mistakes and shortcomings, and MADE it work for their kids. AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU JADED TROLLS OR UPTIGHT QUASI-FEMINISTS HAVE TO FUCKING SAY ABOUT IT, PEOPLE WHO SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR MARRIAGE ARE ADMIRABLE PEOPLE. A million times more impressive than any of us low-life fucks around here
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Old 03.05.2014, 03:38 PM   #66
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Old 03.05.2014, 04:05 PM   #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuchFriendsAreDangerous
No, but when people have kids and are married they should prioritize their kids. Too many people are just fucking selfish, just looking out for themselves, meanwhile their children suffer the consequences.. I don't think people should force themselves to say married, but if they have kids, and in particular have been married for several years, including several years of their kids' life, they should work at it.

Just a note. None of our grandparents who were married for 50 or 60 years had perfect marriages, or were perfect people, or were always head over heels in love. They did the fucking WORK it takes to make a marriage last, they also FORGAVE each other of their mutual mistakes and shortcomings, and MADE it work for their kids. AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU JADED TROLLS OR UPTIGHT QUASI-FEMINISTS HAVE TO FUCKING SAY ABOUT IT, PEOPLE WHO SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR MARRIAGE ARE ADMIRABLE PEOPLE. A million times more impressive than any of us low-life fucks around here


i dont agree.
i do believe that a % of people that stayed in the marriage for the kids might have worked for the best of the kids and yes, that might have been admirable.

however, i dont find anything admirable at being untrue to oneself.

i know many many cases of people who have stayed in the marriage and it has been for selfish financial reasons, some of which have made focus of their lives their kids and are ok with it (maybe), others who stayed for the kids, but had relationships on the side (double lives) and many many others of previous generations, who sacrificed themselves and stayed in the marriage again for financial reasons and because they were afraid of society.
thats common knowledge and not untight (why you said that i dont understand) feminist view.

and kids know. can tell. they arent idiots.

i ve said things in my previous posts about marriage. and we cant all agree and i m tired to type more things on the issue, that are like stating the obvious.
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Old 03.05.2014, 04:09 PM   #68
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nefeli
i dont agree.
i do believe that a % of people that stayed in the marriage for the kids might have worked for the best of the kids and yes, that might have been admirable.

however, i dont find anything admirable at being untrue to oneself.

Exactly like I fucking said, fucking selfish. What, children aren't important? Its funny how immature our generation is. We deserve all the fucking shit we get, we are lazy, selfish, and have a false sense of entitlement. The world doesn't owe us anything. Life is work. You get what you give. If you give up on your kids for yourself, what do you gain? Yourself? Possibly. But what do your kids get??
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Old 03.05.2014, 04:12 PM   #69
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sorry, you dont know any people who have children for selfish reasons?

or people who get married and have kids, because they want that status?
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Old 03.05.2014, 04:13 PM   #70
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Congratulations on your new found happiness
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Old 03.06.2014, 03:18 AM   #71
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getting out of the marriage was more selfless than continuing on. It would have been so much easier to just expose my children to a daily barrage of fighting and despair than to have the guts to make such a leap of faith. My husband sucked every bit of attention I had to give out of me leaving nothing left for the kids. My kids are happier now than I have seen them in years. They appreciate the attention & love they are now given. They deserve it more than he does. They always had a "dad" but not much of a father. They lost their mother to their dad, depression and drugs. They may never have a "father" I cannot control his personality or choices, but I will guarantee that they have the mother and stability they need to thrive.
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Old 03.06.2014, 03:24 AM   #72
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuchFriendsAreDangerous
No, but when people have kids and are married they should prioritize their kids. Too many people are just fucking selfish, just looking out for themselves, meanwhile their children suffer the consequences.. I don't think people should force themselves to say married, but if they have kids, and in particular have been married for several years, including several years of their kids' life, they should work at it.

Just a note. None of our grandparents who were married for 50 or 60 years had perfect marriages, or were perfect people, or were always head over heels in love. They did the fucking WORK it takes to make a marriage last, they also FORGAVE each other of their mutual mistakes and shortcomings, and MADE it work for their kids. AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU JADED TROLLS OR UPTIGHT QUASI-FEMINISTS HAVE TO FUCKING SAY ABOUT IT, PEOPLE WHO SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR MARRIAGE ARE ADMIRABLE PEOPLE. A million times more impressive than any of us low-life fucks around here

The effort of both parents to hold a marriage together is imperative. One person cannot hold both roles and end up caring for their partner on a level more so than the children. I worked for 17 years on this relationship and after I realized that I could try my hardest but could not raise a grown man who was supposed to be the cornerstone of the family.
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Old 03.06.2014, 04:28 AM   #73
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Excellent news! Happy to hear you are doing fine.
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Old 03.06.2014, 06:05 AM   #74
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themfriends, you are sure coming off as being judgmental, seeing as you do not have any kids, or prior experience being married...that I know of.

a BAD marriage is never GOOD for kids.

settle for nothing less than the best life possible, younglings; otherwise, you might regret it.

and if you see your mom this weekend, be sure to tell her SATAN, SATAN, SATAN.
 
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Old 03.06.2014, 08:28 AM   #75
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oh deeeeaaaarrr!! your kid?
may i save that pic for drawing/painting?
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Old 03.06.2014, 09:04 AM   #76
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SONIC GAIL
getting out of the marriage was more selfless than continuing on. It would have been so much easier to just expose my children to a daily barrage of fighting and despair than to have the guts to make such a leap of faith. My husband sucked every bit of attention I had to give out of me leaving nothing left for the kids. My kids are happier now than I have seen them in years. They appreciate the attention & love they are now given. They deserve it more than he does. They always had a "dad" but not much of a father. They lost their mother to their dad, depression and drugs. They may never have a "father" I cannot control his personality or choices, but I will guarantee that they have the mother and stability they need to thrive.
bravo, ma'am. i've never read saner words from you. you stick to that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by SONIC GAIL
The effort of both parents to hold a marriage together is imperative. One person cannot hold both roles and end up caring for their partner on a level more so than the children. I worked for 17 years on this relationship and after I realized that I could try my hardest but could not raise a grown man who was supposed to be the cornerstone of the family.

damn, you're on a roll!
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Old 03.06.2014, 09:07 AM   #77
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ed should be the king of SYG!! what am i talking about... THE KING OF THE WORLD! THE UNIVERSE!
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Old 03.06.2014, 02:27 PM   #78
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SonicGail, I' speaking more in generalities then your specific situation, you stuck it out for almost 2 decades, that is damn sight more than most folks. However, ontologically, it was still in part selfish for you to back out. In theory, you could have still gotten clean on your own, and then worked on that aspect of your marriage. I applaud your courage to move on, and I sincerely pray it for the best for you, but marriage is something different. So many people walk away from their marriages because they aren't "perfect" but what marriage ever was?? In your instance, this seems for the best, but lets not pretend it won't have negative consequences, because inevitably it will. They are unavoidable in divorce...
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Old 03.06.2014, 02:49 PM   #79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuchFriendsAreDangerous
SonicGail, I' speaking more in generalities then your specific situation, you stuck it out for almost 2 decades, that is damn sight more than most folks. However, ontologically, it was still in part selfish for you to back out. In theory, you could have still gotten clean on your own, and then worked on that aspect of your marriage. I applaud your courage to move on, and I sincerely pray it for the best for you, but marriage is something different. So many people walk away from their marriages because they aren't "perfect" but what marriage ever was?? In your instance, this seems for the best, but lets not pretend it won't have negative consequences, because inevitably it will. They are unavoidable in divorce...
Quote:
Originally Posted by floatingslowly
themfriends, you are sure coming off as being judgmental, seeing as you do not have any kids, or prior experience being married...that I know of.

...
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Old 03.06.2014, 02:54 PM   #80
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Fuck y'all. You don't know my real life, I don't broadcast my private family business here for you fucking callous trolls. Fuck it, me and Gail spoke in private, she knows where I'm at, as to the rest of you haters, go ahead and keep hating. If that makes your lives better its the least I can do to oblige
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