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Old 04.22.2009, 12:24 AM   #1
amerikangod
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Old 04.22.2009, 12:29 AM   #2
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Old 04.22.2009, 12:30 AM   #3
SpectralJulianIsNotDead
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I still haven't got past third. I'm horrible with women. Well I've had a few girls that I could have been with, but luckily didn't get with.
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Old 04.22.2009, 12:34 AM   #4
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Kegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's asses
This is the best story I have read on here in a long time... The last pp is fucking excellent, no pun intended. Your flaccid penis may have made her sad, but it made me smile. Thank you.
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Old 04.22.2009, 12:34 AM   #5
Silent Dan Speaks
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That's really, really awful. I'm pretty glad I don't have a story like that. On the bright side, you had nowhere to go but up.
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Old 04.22.2009, 12:44 AM   #6
static-harmony
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static-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's assesstatic-harmony kicks all y'all's asses
Oh man, sorry my first time was nothing like this. But then again I don't remember my first time.
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Old 04.22.2009, 12:45 AM   #7
Kegmama
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Kegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's assesKegmama kicks all y'all's asses
I lost my virginity when I was 15 to Kegpapa. We had only been together like 3 months. I thought I was going to wait until I was married for some horrific reason but then thought 'hes my thing, hes the one'. I ended up marrying him 6 years later anyway. F-ing insane.

My mom had the keys for some old ladies house that had recently died and I stole them so we could party there one night. We ended up drinking a bit. Some friends passed out in various rooms listening to her old records and being creeped out by the fact that we were in a dead house. Kegpapa and I ended up going into the guest room and did the deed. It was pretty good considering we were both virgins. Hurt like hell at first though, but we even managed two positions the first time. And we had to steal a sheet from the dead lady since we weren't thinking about all the fluids associated with sex. Gross.
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Old 04.22.2009, 12:49 AM   #8
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This would be perfect for an Japanese movie.
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Old 04.22.2009, 12:59 AM   #9
Kloriel
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I was arrested for shooting a mother fucker in the eye with a wrist rocket. I was still a virgin when it happened. So over the next several months I lost my virginity by drilling a whole through cement blocks with my friend Last Anasazi.
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:02 AM   #10
Kloriel
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who the fuck makes a thread like this. what the fuck
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:06 AM   #11
static-harmony
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kloriel
who the fuck makes a thread like this. what the fuck


A drunk person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amerikangod
I was going to post this in the 'So I'm about to loose my Sonic Youth live virginity...' thread, but I'd rather not hijack it and this may or may not develop into something worthwhile on its own.

Right now I'm drunk and listening to Acid Mothers Temple very loudly, as one is wont to do ('Atomic Rotary Grinding God/Quicksilver Machine Head,' baby) and this just came to mind.

When I first lost my virginity is kind of hazy... the chick I did it with and I had been fooling around a bit, and had various levels of sexual interaction. There were moments of 'oh hey I just slid my penis into you for a minute and very, very slowlly grinded' and all that jazz, but we're talking about the first time we genuinely GOT IT ON. Like, full-on plowed and there was at least one orgasm involved.

Ok, so the chick had issues with sex. She lost her virginity at 13 and had been with a few dudes before me, all of which apparently just 'used' her for sex. She was very unhappy with this, and only desired sex within a loving relationship. We had that, but she was still very wary.

In any case, it was my first time truly having sex. I got pretty excited by it, and I didn't know how to make it last just yet. As such, after about fifteen minutes something happened that made my penis say 'O SHI-' and, beyond the point of return, I reluctantly had an orgasm.

She was very unhappy with this, as I had an orgasm before her, and I guess it called up all of these memories and feelings of her being used for sex. She just turns her back to me and starts bawling. Now I'm laying there, feeling terrible. I try to hold her but she pulls away and starts crying harder. At this point I'm all 'But I really do love you. I didn't mean to cum yet, this is my first time' and I'm teary-eyed too. I've got tears welling up and I'm laying there naked, my now-flaccid penis still wrapped in the splooge-filled condom. I think this went on for like half an hour, and ended in us both just laying there in silence.

FUCKING SUCKED.

Sex has improved vastly over the many years since.
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:08 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by static-harmony
Oh man, sorry my first time was nothing like this. But then again I don't remember my first time.

then how do you know it wasn't worse?
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:15 AM   #13
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This thread should just be renamed "Sonic Frustration: Post Your Embarassing and Unnecessary Porking Stories Here"
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:28 AM   #14
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this thread should be renamed why do i want to know this tell me god why?
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:31 AM   #15
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:32 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amerikangod
For the purpose of secret boners.

its not a secret anymore.
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Sarcasm[A] is stating the opposite of an intended meaning especially in order to sneeringly, slyly, jest or mock a person, situation or thing

|@ <------- Euphoric brain cell just moments before expiration
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PING <-------- moments later
/ \


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Old 04.22.2009, 01:37 AM   #17
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jon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's assesjon boy kicks all y'all's asses
Quote:
Originally Posted by amerikangod
Oh, I meant everyone else's secret boners.

sure you did
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:40 AM   #18
static-harmony
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Did this thread turn bad fast.
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Old 04.22.2009, 01:46 AM   #19
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Old 04.22.2009, 02:37 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amerikangod
The trick to getting with women is not desperately wanting to get with women. Catch-22, I guess. Actually, no, that was a bullshit answer. The trcik is to just come off as self-satisfied in a non-smug way. Confidence, and a lack of shame in all that you are. If a lady can feel like you're content with who you are in the world and that you're just traveling along without an agenda, she won't feel hunted and will be more prone to joining you in your travels. And sometimes those travels involve the two of you going to her bedroom. Sorry, this also kind of devolved into a bullshit answer. Whatevs, I'm drunk.

It's cool man. It doesn't frustrate me like it used to. I'm more interested in intimacy, something that my last girlfriend and I didn't have, and something that felt fake and forced about my girlfriend before that. So I'm glad that I didn't do either of them, or take advantage of the other girls who would have fucked me in the past (I'm excellent at playing dumb!)

I'm sure if I wanted to I could get laid quickly.
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