If someone you haven't spoken to in 6,7 years

evollove · 02.20.2009, 05:06 AM

calls to inform you they are getting married and they'd love for you to come, is it just a ploy to get a gift? An unvitation, a la Seinfeldese?

Isn't an absence of 6, 7 years pretty much the cutoff point between "it's a shame we're not as close as we used to be" and "not in my life?"

Further, the wedding's a twenty hour drive. No shit.

I'm sort of stuck as how to respond. The socially graceful thing is to say, on the phone, unofficially, "Yeah," then decline when the proper invitation arrives in the mail. The wedding's all the way in November, which leaves plenty of time for me to think of an excuse.

The less proper yet more honest thing would be to say "No" right off the bat, and explain that if I any interest in seeing him and celebrating life's little adventures with him, it would've happened already.

Yes, we used to be friends, but isn't "used" to the operative word?

Youth_Against_Facism · 02.20.2009, 05:10 AM

Tell her/him to go fuck themselves and buy there own gift because you'd rather keep the money.

phoenix · 02.20.2009, 05:30 AM

Did you ever date and it ended badly? Is it a "just so you know... " kind of invite?

Perhaps they have little to no friends and really would like you to come.

Perhaps they have too many friends and wish to give all of their other friends the impression they have.. way too many friends, because they're fabulous, of course.

I'd just say no if you don't want to go. Surely its no more rude than inviting someone to an intimate event when you haven't spoken to them in so many years?

blunderbuss · 02.20.2009, 05:45 AM

My thought would be that the wedding is an opportunity to reconnect with someone who you've lost contact with for some time. It can cost a lot of money to have someone as a guest at a wedding (those meals don't come cheap!), no-one's gonna make an invite unless they really want the invitee to be there.

MellySingsDoom · 02.20.2009, 05:55 AM

I think the key thing here for you is, do you feel a strong sense of friendship towards your friend? If you do, then I would agree w/blunderbuss and go ahead and re-connect.

This Is Not Here · 02.20.2009, 05:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blunderbuss

My thought would be that the wedding is an opportunity to reconnect with someone who you've lost contact with for some time. It can cost a lot of money to have someone as a guest at a wedding (those meals don't come cheap!), no-one's gonna make an invite unless they really want the invitee to be there.

You're hardly going to spark up a freindship again at his wedding, weddings are hectic, they're like the only time in your life when EVERYONE you know is in the same room, he's hardly going to have time to sit down for a few hours and talk about the old times...

blunderbuss · 02.20.2009, 06:10 AM

^
Really? I've never been to a wedding, so I wouldn't know.

This Is Not Here · 02.20.2009, 06:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blunderbuss

^
I've never been to a wedding

Lucky, lucky man.

evollove · 02.20.2009, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blunderbuss

My thought would be that the wedding is an opportunity to reconnect with someone who you've lost contact with for some time. It can cost a lot of money to have someone as a guest at a wedding (those meals don't come cheap!), no-one's gonna make an invite unless they really want the invitee to be there.

Good point. Unless the dude figured I wouldn't make the trip, yet still be obliged to send a present. (Frankly, I don't see a way out of sending a present.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by MellySingsDoom

I think the key thing here for you is, do you feel a strong sense of friendship towards your friend? If you do, then I would agree w/blunderbuss and go ahead and re-connect.

Good point, too. Yet I haven't been difficult to track down, and neither was he. In fact, he had no trouble finding me to tell me about the wedding. I guess I don't feel a strong sense of friendship. If I had, we'd have been communicating with each other all these years, right?

Fuck it. I'm gonna send a $20 gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse and call it a day.

This Is Not Here · 02.20.2009, 10:00 AM

Contact with freinds (or friends of the past) works both ways. He's probably not contacted you all these years simply because you havn't contacted him. You've both probably been sitting there thinking the other doesn't like you, when actually you'd both be well up for drinking, merriment and a catch-up. Thats how this is stuff works, in my experience anyway...

tesla69 · 02.20.2009, 10:06 AM

After 6 years I don't see you're even obliged to get'em a gift. Congratulate him and leave it at that. Its his wedding, not yours. Just because he called doesn't mean you owe him anything. Of course it also depends on how close you were back in the day.

blunderbuss · 02.20.2009, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by This Is Not Here

Contact with freinds (or friends of the past) works both ways. He's probably not contacted you all these years simply because you havn't contacted him. You've both probably been sitting there thinking the other doesn't like you, when actually you'd both be well up for drinking, merriment and a catch-up. Thats how this is stuff works, in my experience anyway...

Plus, the life that's happening right there in front of you tends to be so all-consuming that, despite your best intentions, you forget that there is also a life beyond your immediate surroundings.

My girlfriend moans constantly about friends of hers who she has to do all the work to keep the friendships alive. I have to remind her every time that these friends have kids who take up most of their waking hours, and their "neglect" of her is probably because, once looking after the brats is done, it's quarter past midnight and all they're fit to do is sleep.

greedrex · 02.20.2009, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tesla69

After 6 years I don't see you're even obliged to get'em a gift. Congratulate him and leave it at that. Its his wedding, not yours. Just because he called doesn't mean you owe him anything. Of course it also depends on how close you were back in the day.

^^ this.

greedrex · 02.20.2009, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blunderbuss

My girlfriend moans constantly about friends of hers who she has to do all the work to keep the friendships alive.

hey wait, that's MY girlfriend.
GET
OUT
OF
MY
BRAIN.

This Is Not Here · 02.20.2009, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blunderbuss

Plus, the life that's happening right there in front of you tends to be so all-consuming that, despite your best intentions, you forget that there is also a life beyond your immediate surroundings.

My girlfriend moans constantly about friends of hers who she has to do all the work to keep the friendships alive. I have to remind her every time that these friends have kids who take up most of their waking hours, and their "neglect" of her is probably because, once looking after the brats is done, it's quarter past midnight and all they're fit to do is sleep.

Amen to this.

evollove · 02.20.2009, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bytor Peltor

About the phone call. How long was the conversation? Was it mostly about him or was he equally as interested in what you had been up to? When you first said hello, was it all awkward or did you fall into the same conversation as in days of old?

None of these. It was a message on voicemail! I've been too busy saying "What the fuck?" to call back.

!@#$%! · 02.20.2009, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by evollove

None of these. It was a message on voicemail! I've been too busy saying "What the fuck?" to call back.

meh. ignore it. if you ever run into said friend and the message comes up, you say "what message? i didn't get any. you sure it was the right number?".

demonrail666 · 02.20.2009, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Youth_Against_Facism

Tell her/him to go fuck themselves and buy there own gift because you'd rather keep the money.

End of thread.

hevusa · 02.20.2009, 12:06 PM

just say no

demonrail666 · 02.20.2009, 12:09 PM

02.20.2009, 05:06 AM	#1
evollove invito al cielo Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 2,879	calls to inform you they are getting married and they'd love for you to come, is it just a ploy to get a gift? An unvitation, a la Seinfeldese? Isn't an absence of 6, 7 years pretty much the cutoff point between "it's a shame we're not as close as we used to be" and "not in my life?" Further, the wedding's a twenty hour drive. No shit. I'm sort of stuck as how to respond. The socially graceful thing is to say, on the phone, unofficially, "Yeah," then decline when the proper invitation arrives in the mail. The wedding's all the way in November, which leaves plenty of time for me to think of an excuse. The less proper yet more honest thing would be to say "No" right off the bat, and explain that if I any interest in seeing him and celebrating life's little adventures with him, it would've happened already. Yes, we used to be friends, but isn't "used" to the operative word?
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02.20.2009, 05:10 AM	#2
Youth_Against_Facism stalker Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Ocean Grove, Australia Posts: 468	Tell her/him to go fuck themselves and buy there own gift because you'd rather keep the money. __________________ god damn, shit the bed!
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02.20.2009, 05:30 AM	#3
phoenix invito al cielo Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: the future where it's hot and dark Posts: 5,926	Did you ever date and it ended badly? Is it a "just so you know... " kind of invite? Perhaps they have little to no friends and really would like you to come. Perhaps they have too many friends and wish to give all of their other friends the impression they have.. way too many friends, because they're fabulous, of course. I'd just say no if you don't want to go. Surely its no more rude than inviting someone to an intimate event when you haven't spoken to them in so many years? __________________ tiny and lost.
	\|QUOTE AND REPLY\|

02.20.2009, 05:45 AM	#4
blunderbuss invito al cielo Join Date: May 2008 Location: UK Posts: 2,526	My thought would be that the wedding is an opportunity to reconnect with someone who you've lost contact with for some time. It can cost a lot of money to have someone as a guest at a wedding (those meals don't come cheap!), no-one's gonna make an invite unless they really want the invitee to be there.
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02.20.2009, 05:55 AM	#5
MellySingsDoom invito al cielo Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 8,662	I think the key thing here for you is, do you feel a strong sense of friendship towards your friend? If you do, then I would agree w/blunderbuss and go ahead and re-connect. __________________ Snow on Easter Sunday - Jesus Christ in reverse.
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02.20.2009, 06:10 AM	#7
blunderbuss invito al cielo Join Date: May 2008 Location: UK Posts: 2,526	^ Really? I've never been to a wedding, so I wouldn't know.
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02.20.2009, 10:00 AM	#10
This Is Not Here invito al cielo Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Kingston-Upon-Thames, London Posts: 2,586	Contact with freinds (or friends of the past) works both ways. He's probably not contacted you all these years simply because you havn't contacted him. You've both probably been sitting there thinking the other doesn't like you, when actually you'd both be well up for drinking, merriment and a catch-up. Thats how this is stuff works, in my experience anyway... __________________ http://images.google.co.uk/url?sourc...zLTl_B146tcuiw ~~Record of the moment~~
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02.20.2009, 10:06 AM	#11
tesla69 Banned Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: NYC Posts: 4,055	After 6 years I don't see you're even obliged to get'em a gift. Congratulate him and leave it at that. Its his wedding, not yours. Just because he called doesn't mean you owe him anything. Of course it also depends on how close you were back in the day.
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02.20.2009, 12:06 PM	#19
hevusa expwy. to yr skull Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: rain hell Posts: 1,535	just say no
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02.20.2009, 12:09 PM	#20
demonrail666 invito al cielo Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 18,509
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