[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by Nefeli

its just that. i cannot separate the 2. i dont think i ever could, and now its even more difficult. i must try.

i think that no matter what happens you have to be kind to yourself. not "if i do well i'll love myself and if i fuck up i'll hate myself". you have to be unconditionally your friend. it's like being able to say: "my mother will always love me." (some people don't have a mother like that, but there is always someone to model that from. ) if you can do that--- life gets a lot less stressful.

Originally Posted by Nefeli

perhaps the flow thing might work that way more.
when performance starts to get bad - in the beginnings it goes well- 'flow' gets interrupted, i think.

yes-- flow needs a balance between challenge and ability. too easy and you get bored, too hard and you get overwhelmed. but knowing what state to pursue (rather than an "end product") could be an interesting approach. i'm not guaranteeing "great results"-- it's just a suggesting for experimentation.

Originally Posted by Nefeli

and i have elements that dont help, moreover when you are selftaught; im inpatient and if i am honest, i expect results with no so much work..

i am self taught w/ most things so i look at youtbe and instructables and how-to books a lot ha ha--- just look at the "what are you reading" thread and i'm always reading some fucking manual. but i am able to keep from flogging myself when things don't work out, so that allows me to be patient and start again when i fuck up until i get it (i didn't use to be that way).

in this way failures become opportunities to learn-- i destroyed a good knife butchering a mutton the other day but i never thought of giving up the butchering and after some mental refresh i started again and found sweet victory. sure, in part i had a solemn duty to cut that meat because i cannot kill an animal just to throw his body away, so i couldn't give it up. but it could have been a tearful experience-- it wasn't. just some regrets for the knife and many technical headaches and a bit of back pain and fatigue. but it was very rewarding in the end, insurmountable obstacles and all (shards of metal in the meat).

if you mentally punish yourself for not being perfect, then working to get good can be really hard, if not impossible. this is where kidness to self comes handy (well it has many benefits but that is definitely one).

Originally Posted by Nefeli

was thinking that perhaps i need some help - dont mean skrink but yeah!
someone to show me some things, get some lessons. dunno.

i wish i knew where to direct you with that but painting is not my expertise. but about mental states-- read some taoism maybe? could be fun.

Originally Posted by Nefeli

and its the other thing; if i had/got a job i liked a bit, i wouldnt feel that anxiety, that i wont ever get good in painting and make excuses about not wanting to go back to day job. although i know, it might make me more active because i m in a hole of non action (gym for example).

i think i don't understand this. what's your work situation right now?

Originally Posted by Nefeli

last, but not least, what gets to me isnt yet that i wont be successful/famous etc, although..it somehow has entered the equation, its that i dont get to paint the way i want. i cant even do the things people from art school do, even if its not what i want to do.
if that makes sense.

yes. but to do something well it takes a lot of practice. practice takes a lot of patience. patience takes a lot of love. love takes selflessness.

the thing with art school-- there are different kinds of art schools. there's the beaux-arts schools and there are others that take different approach. seems to me the kind you're lookig at has a more beaux-arts approach-- you know, with models, etc. whereas other schools start with concepts and how you implement that is multidisciplinary.

many good artists are self-taught. probably most are. i would write a long rant about this but i am hungry and running out of steam so let me just say-- what about color? if color is your nature-- why not just start from color instead of shape? oh i am hungry now and lightheaded--- probably from last night's drinks. but think about this maybe-- to play to your strengths instead of trying to be well-rounded? i'd list you many examples but maybe later in the day. maybe i'll make a bloody mary and fry some meat ha ha ha. i have a leg of mutton to cook and it will be some work. i'm excited/puzzled. but yes please think about playing to your strengths. more later.