Here are the other rules.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word
"recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any
more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass
players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like
you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage
Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political
lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified
small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on
the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked
the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and
"a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst
contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to
perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer
IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you
do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock
opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band" "open
mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear
gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will;
it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta
stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to
your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Huntsville and Conroe doesn't mean
you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs.
26. Although they come in different styles and colors,
electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep
changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought
up. That's what girlfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally
produced album cover and one you made with the iMac
your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can
so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You
may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo
deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and
"Fastball's second hit".
36. Three things that are never coming back: a)gongs,
b) headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer
bottle