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– Suicide isn’t the goal society or your parents had hoped for you, but you’ve set the bar because you can think independently and have enough self-confidence to believe in your decision. My opinion though, is that suicide isn’t the best way to die. My preferred method of execution is either old age, or being taxed to death, generously and patriotically supporting the needs of your community and your country. Because you have little time remaining, allow me to give you a friendly tip to save you some of that precious time. Suicide is severely similar to murder. If this how-to document doesn’t give you the answers you’re seeking, don’t spend your time Googling “painless ways to commit murder.” Murderers are an ill-bred lot who are unlikely to be concerned about the amount of pain they inflict on their victims. Generally speaking, they lack the typing skills necessary to create web pages due to their possession of itchy trigger-fingers, hands cramping from clutching knives too tightly, or suffering of pulled muscles caused by throwing murder weapons into rivers.
A good method of implementing your imminent demise is to make yourself a target of assassination. Choosing this technique, you’ll avoid the nuisance involved with having to obtain any tools which would otherwise be required. In addition to that benefit, opting to permit capable, professional assassins to plan the details and logistics in matters regarding the imposition of death is often a wise decision.
Begin investigating high-profile politicians. Conduct your research through legal channels, please (I can’t be held responsible for what you do or what I write). You’ll need to look for something hidden, some skeleton not yet released for public viewing, something for which they haven’t yet been caught or apologized. Common things for which to look: sex-related or money-related activities, illegal drugs or illegally-obtained pharmaceuticals, something to do with toilets and honey, or how well their pastor conducts religious services.
If viable blackmail material can’t be discovered, consider bluffing. Call your Congressperson; inform him or her that you’re a registered voter, and that you’ve recently acquired evidence of who conspired in the assassination plot of John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Within sixty seconds your doorbell will ring.
From that moment, you’ll have approximately three seconds to decide whether to proceed with your plan or jump through the nearest window. If you live on or above the second floor, emergency egress through your window is not the best choice in your current medical condition, however, it will provide a better chance of surviving than answering the door carrying a friendly and hospitable demeanor. To elaborate – your surprise guests haven’t come from the high school loaded with candy bars to sell.
There really are no truly painless ways to commit suicide. After you kill yourself, people who knew and loved you will live on in pain. One may argue that because they’d be experiencing emotional pain, suicide would be physically painless, however, I believe that to be a weak argument. If, on the other hand, you feel everyone hates you, I hope you found this handy survival guide informative, and that it helps you kill yourself in a pleasant and joyful manner. Don’t forget to hit the light switch, power down your computer, and visit your friends, family, bank, employer, doctor, and your local law enforcement agency to say goodbye.
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