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i actually managed to start gettting this specific trauma out through a poem yesterday. i'm thinking now this will have to get longer to really get at the magnitude of what the experience entailed and the level of detail in how it explains makeup and function of the universe, as an organism of which we are a subset, like blood platelets with free will. i have spent my entire life attempting to murder god. i wanted that motherfucker dead. but no amount of reality of what actually transpired can change the unique nature of the idea that was conveyed to me, and the profundity that continues to haunt me. i spent a lifetime obsessed with quantum physics in an attempt to disprove what i learned. to figure out a way for it to not make sense. i give up.
The Hospital
Once upon a time I was Jesus,
I awoke the next day and was not.
I had returned all our souls by action of thought.
I had walked through the doorway made of slits between light,
In dark the view focused, reappeared without sight.
The expanse collapsed in response to my question:
"why create us at all? why are we alone?"
the void then replied,
"because I was alone."
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