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Old 07.03.2009, 12:50 AM   #17405
atsonicpark
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 28,843
atsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's assesatsonicpark kicks all y'all's asses
  1. Gas yourself to death with Mother’s hairspray. If she tries to stop you halfway through, spray it directly into her face and continue on as normal.
  2. Go outside and find a large rock. Now run a hot bath. Bring the rock with you into the bath and use it as a sponge. Don’t stop until all of your skin’s been eroded (you’ll lose consciousness a long time before this point).
  3. Turn up at a Nazi meeting, dressed as your grandmother, draped in an Israeli flag. Make a pass at the first skinhead you see. If he doesn’t acknowledge you, dance over to his genitals and kiss him on the balls.
  4. Go on a hunger strike and lock yourself in the cupboard. If anyone tries to rescue you, threaten to ring the police.
  5. Visit your local zoo, strip naked, scale the fencing to the tiger enclosure and go for a piggy back on the alpha male.
  6. Go and see Coldplay play. Your heart is bound to stop from abject misery 20 minutes into the set. Even before they get to ‘Yellow’.
  7. Lie on the freeway with a massive notice by you with the message ‘The first person to run me over, wins $20,000″. Be sure to write down your parent’s phone number down, clearly in big characters.
  8. Arrange a meetup with ANYONE from Dark Starlings. The member-base is solely comprised of serial killers and cock-doctors.
  9. Run into your nearest military base draped in the Iraq flag. If this doesn’t get you shot, ask for the sergeant and call him an unpatriotic, commie, horse lover.
     
  10. Fly to Tennessee with your girlfriend/boyfriend, enter a bar and announce that your lover isn’t a relative.
  11. Buy a bottle of vodka, pour all it into a tall container, break the bottle over your own head and pour all of the broken glass and blood into the vodka. Drink and bleed until the lights go out.
  12. Eat at McDonalds for a year, crap into a black bag and at the end of it all, ingest the contents of the bag. If your body hasn’t already went into toxic shock after 6 months of the diet, you are Satan and therefore invincible. I recommend placing the bag over your head, travelling down to Houston, Texas, once there announcing you’re the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.
  13. Arrange for Michael Moore to squat and fart on your face.
  14. Join the US military before the troops withdraw from Iraq. You’ve got to be quick as this is imminent! Once you make it out to Iraq, dress up as the Statue of Liberty and stand as still as possible just like one of those street performers. Ask one of your colleagues to write “If Allah was real, you’d shoot me in the balls!” in capital letters (preferably in Iraqi).
  15. Clean your asshole with a hedgehog twice a day for a year. Beware, this is a slowwww, painful way to die.
  16. Go to your local water supply dressed as Osama Bin Laden, ring 911 and tell the authorities that you’re about to take a crap in the water supply. Wait until the swat team arrive and lunge wildly at the tallest one there.
  17. Lock a boa constrictor in your neighbours mail box, sneak out at night and taunt the snake by waving your ass in at it.
  18. Drive to a forest outside Mountain Hat in Canada dressed solely in a jacket made of ham. Do not move until the bears arrive.
  19. Buy 500 rolls of black lipstick and eat them all over an hour long period. Refrain from vomiting or calling the emergency services and you should die within the next 96 hours.
  20. Masturbate to this picture of Condoleezza Rice for 24 hours straight without cumming. After the 24th hour your heart will explode out of principle.
     
  21. Change your name officially to Jesus Christ, move to Houston, Texas and wear a pink toga with the words “I’m A Queer, Darling!” scrawled on it in black ink. Dance into the nearest Baptist Church and scream “The Rapture Cometh” before masturbating furiously in front of the minister. God will strike you down before your balls explode. Either that or one of the old ladies at the front will gouge your eyes out with a pen.
  22. Put your head in a microwave and get a friend to repeatedly slam your head shut in the oven with the door. Inform them that they must not stop no matter how much you scream.
  23. Eat “Kraft Dinner” for every single meal for the next decade. By 25, your arteries will be that saturated with fat that your heart will explode.
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