[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by dead_battery

this has been the busiest month of my life. i am down to less than 100 but will coast through the rest of it ok.

ive developed a complex strategy to put pressure on the health service to give me my surgery and quick. it's either this or have a heart attack.

i have a breathing machine that helps me sleep a bit better, which has increased my cognitive functioning and lessened the memory loss and health damage which has allowed me to have the most productive month i've had possibly ever or at least in many many years. it's also allowed me to strategically gather information about my workplace and so i now understand the dynamics of what the overall attitude is to the mentally ill coworker who is making life hell and i've accepted that there is no way i can change it because noone else wants to. i learnt what the bosses think and what i'm really supposed to do ie. keep quiet about certain things. it was just a relief to learn that they do know what is going on and i'm not a lone madman. although i suspect they might not know the full extent of what's going on and might have not known what they were getting into before they got too deep with this guy.

i am preparing a resignation letter which will outline what i tried to do to make the business work better and how this person made that extremely difficult. until i leave i am trying to preserve the calm and quiet, do a good bit of work without exerting myself and make some effort to keep it going but i won't grind myself to the bone anymore.

soon it will be time to just WALK THE FUCK AWAY. imo until we have advanced neuroscientifical procedures there is just nothing you can do to help these people. hell when i was at my worst there was nothing most people could have done but walked away. i am in the cross hairs of a deranged and potentially dangerous person who has the power to take my job and is trying to take any self respect or dignity i might have for his own perverse enjoyment.

anyway, the underlying lesson this experience has given me is the massive disconnect between the reality of what some people are like and our beliefs about peoples motives. i didnt really accept that a modern functioning person in our society could be so viciously aggressive and knowingly want to inflict degradation, humiliation and destruction on others (and partially on themselves). i think that part of the reason that its easy to forget this is that people really do differ so much in their personalities. some people are predators and they are well aware of it. they will sacrifice their own advantage for it. it's not logical or rational. i really suspect that someone i work for was trying to destroy their own business in such a way that i could be held responsible so they could be relieved of the burden of it.

i always knew that people were bullies, hell i was both bullied and a bully at various points like a lot of people. but i never really got how people could want to work hard to build something and then be on the precipice of wiping it out over petty and totally irrational rages.

if you peer under the surface i think even modern techno-scientific societies run in supplement with bizarre and ancient impulses of suicide, destruction, deliberate destitution etc. i need to read bataille.

anyway, never assume sanity on the part of your friends or enemies. or rather, if you see a large front of sanity and rationality always assume that it is subject to being wiped out by a deluge of utter fucking batshittery and be prepared to defend yourself or else you'll be overwhelmed.

how the fuck did i miss all this?

im not sure why im quoting it. probably to make sure i get to read it later, cuz i gotta run out of the house soon.