by magic fucking chance a random playlist out of my old server is playing right now ULTRAVOX's "hiroshima mon amour" which sounds like a mongrel child of kraftwerk and david bowie with a bad saxophone-- part terrible, part not terrible at all. i think some of it can be rescued.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Severian
You know, I actually think this is kind of a "thing with me."
I am ashamed of my age. In more ways than I'm willing to admit. I'm ashamed of the fact that I have been roughly 5 years older than 85% of my co-workers over the last five years. I feel constantly guilty for how little I've accomplished in my life... so much of what I have accomplished has been purely for the sake of other people. And I'm ashamed that so few of the people that I've re-arranged my life for seem to be willing to even entertain the idea of supporting me (emotionally) while I pursue my own goals.
So while I wasn't truly slamming Steely Dan, and I was, more than anything, responding with self-deprecating remarks to Genteel's comment about gmku being old enough to be my father (which I suppose he is, and good on him for getting that far), I think it's true that I struggle with a covert and warped form of ageism that is a function of my own inability to feel content with myself or my life.
All I see is a big ticking clock.
I'm going through some shit right now. Sorry everyone.
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yeah man that shame is the big killer. not
a sense of shame, which is the healthy notion that we're neither omnipotent nor all-knowing, but the
toxic shame that sez something is wrong with your
being.
that shame will find an excuse to try to kill you with whatever tools at hand. it's your age today, it will be something else another day. too many miserable overachievers spend their life trying to shake that feeling away by being the greatest little boys ever. and they never can because that's not the way. it's the same feeling that drives most addicts.
don't let the fascism of [performance = love] get in the way of you iving your life with some fundamental peace and joy. which is your human right.
puke that poison. puke it!
now with your pardon i will go enjoy an evening of wine-drinking and fantastic underachieving with the people who love me for who i am-- yes, those people. poor things! i love them too. not much else required in life, really.
well, have fun now. now!