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This is how I think this potentially-awkward scenario would develop with the following celebrities:
Bill Oddie:
Oddie walks to the urinal sheepishly (I later notice that there are ants and other bugs crawling in his hair). Oddie struggles to open his zip. He fidgets and fumbles while muttering the kind of obscenities that you don't expect to hear from a family-friendly 'national treasure'. I look over to see what all the commotion is about, and he nervously smiles at me but is visibly frustrated with his zip. After a prolonged battle with it, he finally unleashes his percy and makes an excited mouse-type noise with relief.
He only takes a few seconds to urinate; he’s clearly embarrassed and wants to get away from here as soon as possible. But rushing isn't the answer; at the taps, I can't help but notice that there is lots of post-putaway seepage at the top of his dark-green trousers.
03/10
EMBARRASSING AT THE TIME; BUT A PERFECT TALE TO TELL AT DINNER-PARTIES.
Ross Kemp:
For Ross, this is just a man 'thing' between two men. As he arrives at the urinal to my right, he turns to me and nods conspiringly; he unzips and gets on with his business, quickly and efficiently. In fact, he's so intimidatingly professional (did he learn this in the army... or prison?) that I have frozen: I've suddenly lost the ability to urinate myself, no matter how much I shake and urge. Once he's finished, he walks by me (still struggling), and slaps me mately on the back ('its ok' the slap says, 'I've been there... I'm just a guy like you').
Though a tough guy on the screen, it's pleasing to see that Ross still finds time to do effeminate things like washing his hands.
09/10
MANLY (WITH A DASH OF 'NEW MAN').
George Galloway:
Galloway stumbles to the urinal while growling. He undoes his zip and pisses all over his shoes. He then pisses all over my shoes, without acknowledging it. I turn towards him, annoyed; and he looks at me, twitches, and shouts ‘fuck off!’ in my face. He steps back, makes a violent pained-type noise; and I’m sure something is excreted down the back of his trousers. He stumbles away, turns the hot tap on but only pretends to wash his hands under it, and walks out of the door into the midst of this crazy city.
01/10
PUZZLING AND DISTURBING.
Meat Loaf:
I hear a friendly 'morning' from Meat Loaf as he steps to the urinal. It's a brisk routine for Meat Loaf. He's a natural; he’s never bothered to analyse the awkwardness of this moment, so he simply doesn't feel any awkwardness - and his confidence transfers to me. After a cheerful 'goodbye', he walks away while whistling. I'm done but I remain standing at my urinal, in a state of awe: short of holding it for me, I can't imagine a better exemplar of perfect urinal side-manner.
10/10
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