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Originally Posted by atsonicpark
It's just as "fun" as it ever was, there's always been serious discussions amongst the VIDEO GAMEZ and MOVIEZ (the meaning of life, clearly; I'm so bored with all that shit, but I'm always down to talk about interesting movies and games, those threads still exist and I still post to them, it just so happens that there are topics for serious things as well). Opinions are never going to change for the "Better", or "Worse", as there is no such thing as a "good" or "bad" opinion. No offense, but you should probably stop reading serious posts/threads if you can't handle how "unfun" they are. I don't care either way, but I'm a lot more complex of a human being than just "oh that guy who has seen a bunch of movies and shit."
Fact is, I dunno about some people here, but I personally have to pay bills, I have to work for a living, I have to deal with things that from my past that have permanently fucked me up, physically and mentally. I am so depressed I don't plan on ever making films again and probably will not record many more albums. It's crippling anxiety and depression, yet I HAVE TO work, no one has ever given me anything, I have had to work since I was 14 years old (when I watched my grandma die in front of me, she weighed about 70lbs at the time because she'd dealt with cancer). No one has given me ANYTHING -- clothes, cars, NOTHING, I've had to steal or mow lawns or WHATEVER. My dad disowned me, my stepdad physically abused me, I was sexually assaulted when I was younger and I have nightmares about it nearly every night. My mom has cancer and my grandpa has a year to live, not to mention I'm sick as well (sorry, not sick, DYING. But i won't get into that, lest someone think I want any sympathy; I'm only saying this to illustrate a point). I take care of both of them, after working 3rd shift I will drive them to the hospital and for tests and usually not sleep and will be up for a few days straight. I work my ass off at work, but no one appreciates it, really. But it'ss omething I have to do since I'm the only one working, paying for my mom because she's too sick to work but she can't get disability for whatever ridiculous reason, meanwhile some meth whore or chick with 5 kids will get all the government assistance in the world, and 25% of my paycheck will go towards it. The funniest thing is, despite almsot none of my friends having a job and getting to sit around and get checks from the government, they still ask me for money and shit all the time. It's my own stupidity, but I'm always giving everyone I know, everything I own. It kinda makes me happy to give. That's one of the few things I enjoy. Though the minute I stop, all those "Friends" begin shit talking cuz I'm not willing to go "GET HIGHHHHH". Oh, and everyone's advice for my depression? "JUST GET HIGH." Man, smoking weed is fucking boring.
I'm not complaining, just putting things into perspective. It's easy to sit at a computer and go "wAHH STOP WHINING" -- I'm not whining, we're having a discussion because apparently depression and suicidal thoughts are "wrong" to some people. Fact is, I'm not going to kill myself, but thinking about death and its inevitably can be comforting. It's probably not something many on this board would understand -- but many on this board do understand completely, as well.
No one is forcing you to read this thread, which is serious. Your favorite threads are about hackerz and the internet and old video games and ICP and so on and so forth. That's cool, that stuff can be entertaining, and it's your right to use this board for that purpose, you can do whatever you want online. But I for one usually don't shit on your threads, and I have defended you many times, seeing your point of view on why you find ICP entertaining or whatever. I'm not asking you to change your mind, but to at least see where I'm coming from. Ultimately, no one is going to change >my< mind, as the abuse I have faced and the tragedies I've endured have gotten me to where I am. I have worked extra hard to be successful and to have something to show for life, and I still have a "girlfriend" who makes fun of me for not going to college and for wasting my life at a grocery store. Even people I love and am supposed to trust have problems with me, even though she admitted to me during a 2 hour argument last night she started that she's actually just really jealous of me. I said "you're jealous because your family is rich and buys you 3 cartons of cigarettes a week and buys you brand new cars and pays for everything and you just get to sit on your ass all day and hang out with rich dudes all day and I don't say anything? Meanwhile I have to take care of my family, work my ass off to support myself AND my family, for nearly half my life, and every time I get depressed you tell me I shouldn't be, because your problems are worse than mine?" See, she has a lot of problems in life, too. I hear her complain every day. She's "bored". I wish "boredom" was the worst thing I had to deal with.
So, yeah, everyone has problems, certainly. My problems are no "Better" or "Worse" than anyone else's, and I'm a strong enough person to carry on. Unfortunately, unlike most of the internet, a generation of spoiled assholes who complain when their iphone is out of service for 2 seconds, or their DSL is "only" going 100kb a second or something, I don't have the luxury of being able to sit on my ass all day, I have to deal with problems head-on and you know what? It wears me out. But at the same time, I appreciate things a lot more. And I'm certainly not going to try to shit on someone else for having opinions different than mine.
Reality isn't always a fun place. Ultimately, I've played every video game, watched every movie, and listened to almost every band that I think I'll ever like. None of it makes me happy. It's all distractions. Playing guitar makes me sorta happy, but that's about it. Having wild freaky nasty crazy sex doesn't do anything for me, I'll go months without cumming. Smoking pot is so fucking boring. I like some drugs but yeah. Ultimately I'm looking for something more in life -- something I'll probably never find -- and I'm very happy for people who have joy in their lives. I do like simple little things. I have been growing flowers, and taking photos of them. I think they're beautiful. I love when the weather is nice, sometimes I'll sit on a hill at the local park for hours and just think.
And yeah I LOVE guitar. I've been sitting around playing some "Fahey Lite" stuff on guitar and I feel like I've FINALLY -- after 14 years of playing and 13 years releasing material -- began to become a decent guitarist.
I also LOVE Lumines. Best game ever. I've put 80 hours into that game in the past 2 years.
And I love video mix tapes, like LOST AND FOUND VIDEO NIGHTS. FOUND FOOTAGE FESTIVAL. FORBIDDEN TRANSMISSION. Etc.
I also love LOVE AND ROCKETS!
So yeah, life isn't completely awful or anything. There are all sorts of things I dig. I'm not going to "kill myself already", but I am going to keep posting relevant messages on relevant topics in relative threads on this board, because that's what our discussion was about. Whenever you get super down and depressed in life and have to deal with how shitty and fucked-up life really is, I'm not going to shit on you or your posts, I'll be the first to listen and if I can, give you advice. Keep that in mind. Like I said, I can give and give and be nice to people and treat them how I want to be treated, and the minute I need to vent because of how truely fucked up my life is, I get met with "kill yourself already". Hilarious. But I don't care. A lot of people would, but I don't, because I've accepted that's how most people react.
No biggy. I'm not mad in the least. Take care.
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