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Originally Posted by kinnikpasswordforgetter
nurse suchfriends will be round shortly with the hash enema and bong IV to drown out your screams with his insipid white reggae routine.
god is love, and wanting live a life of meaningless suffering for as long as possible is a sign of sanity. now hush, he's got a batch of fresh livers and hearts to keep you going for the next few decades. and don't try and slip out on him, because the brain transplant technique is almost perfected. god loves his children, and he sent his most stoned prophet so that they may punch the clock another day, and it pleaseth the lord.
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Haha. Priceless.
...Yeah, seriously though, it's nice to know I have a serious mental illness. Maybe I'm just not as easily fooled, distracted, and consumed by a meaningless, pointless existence. So many people derive simple joys from their new cellphones or their facebook accounts or new bongs or new tattoos or whatever, and all that stuff's neat for them and whatever, and I am certainly happy for them -- perhaps my biggest flaw, and weirdest trait, is that as much as I hate myself, I always go out of my way to make sure everyone else is really happy, and I'd do anything to make them happy. It makes me feel good to make others happy. But anyway, I like a lot of those people, and all those things I mentioned allows them to continue leading wonderful lives. I'm just saying: I'm unhappy with life. Life HURTS ME. Personally, no matter how much I consume, no matter how much I change, no matter how much I think about it, it doesn't change the feeling that I'm really really fucking depressed all the time. I like when people don't like me, sometimes. I love to be abused. I am attracted to people who will hurt me, in every way. That turns me on, in fact. Anyway, I know so many smart, cool people, who are suicidal -- in fact, you rarely see a "dumb" (for a lack of a better term, and again, simplifying here) person kill themselves, but there's all sorts of brilliant, intelligent people out there who either have or will be suicidal or commit suicide. I think it's because the smarter you are, the less you are distracted by simple bullshit. The less you are excited by little things that most people go apeshit over. You know how they say ignorance is bliss? I think the opposite is true: intelligence can be hell. I hate myself, completely, 100%. I mean, I really just hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I LIVE, and I've tried everything to change everything, but can't, no matter where I go or what I do, etc. I mean, I'm still going to keep living, I guess, I don't really have any interest in much music or movies or anything anymore, probably never again, and even as "creative" as I am, I don't have any immediate plans for making any kind of art (though I have been working on an avant garde shmup!). But I've been posting here 10 years, and I love this place, it's probably the only msg board or social forum I haven't quit, because I really dig tons of the people here. But man, I just feel weighed down so much, held back so much, by hatred for myself. They started writing good things about me in my local newspaper, my film showed Friday at an art museum, Greg Ginn likes my music, I have plenty of cash saved up, I've got a brand new car I bought by myself with my own money, I can quit my job and have enough money to live off of for 2 years while still paying bills, and the girl I spend time with who is my girlfriend sorta, is fun and pretty and honestly gives the best sex EVER. And at the moment, I got a good supply of other things that I enjoy. And yet I'm not happy in the least (well, the Ginn thing was really cool -- thanks again, Derek).
Actually, the best thing that's happened ALL YEAR was a drawing Derek sent me of Bart Simpson wearing a SCISSORSHOCK shirt. Derek is just one of those great people, there's very few of them out there. He's never tried to use me or take advantage/manipulate me. He's real, and cool as fuck. Dig that dude so much.
But yeah, even though I won't live to be that old, when I'm a vegetable, I'm going to take my perhaps-vast fortune and offer it to whoever to kill me. I'll write a living will for it. Those people were technically alive, but they were dead on the inside. Should Terry Schiavo have been kept on life support forever? Should people who are terminally ill and only have shitting themselves and death to look forward to and no other pleasures EVER for the REST OF THEIR EXISTENCE, only PAIN... should those people be kept alive by machines and medicine and
money? Kevorkian didn't accept money, did he? Only donations. He really believed in his cause. He's a-okay. Also, my life is my life. I always love the "YOU'RE SELFISH IF YOU KILL YOURSELF!" Well, isn't it more selfish of someone else if they try to control my life, the only life I'll ever have, and for them to try to get me to go through a life of hell?
I'm just finding life more and more painful. Suicide isn't sexy or cool, really. I'm not saying that at all. I'm not being morbid or gothy here, just honest about myself. It's easy to see how abuse and other things have fucked me up and gotten me to this point, the person I am today. But don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself.
...because I still need to hit 30,000 posts!