[ni'k]

MIKE: [Fred] Okay, so I get welfare and food stamps, and you take
possession of my *immortal soul*?
TOM: [welfare worker] Don't bother with the fine print, sir. Oh, by the
way, try not waste too much of your own blood, there's more forms to
sign!

> All you have to do is tell them you have a back pain, and
> can't work. There ain't no way they can prove you're lying.

CROW: [neighbor] Doctor's verifications... heh!
MIKE: This guy's too formal even while writing slang!

> He hasn't done a day's work for over twelve years, gets a steady check
> every month, rain or shine. It's a lot better than doing farm
> labor."

TOM: Alas, he will never achieve each other's goals--with grit!

> As we rode off, I recall seeing my grandfather shake his
> head in disgust, and telling us, "Boys, that's what you call "white-
> trash." Public welfare is something I hope you never get involved
> with."

CROW: [grandfather, as Jacob Marley] The public welfare, charity, mercy,
forbearance, and benevolence... they're none of your business!

> It was the first time I'd heard my grandfather use the word
> "white-trash," and associate it with the neighbors who were on
> welfare.

MIKE: Regardless of what race they were.

> After that morning, I considered anyone who was on welfare
> and living on the West Side to be "white-trash."

TOM: [singing] ~ Maria... I've just met a white trash named Maria!!! ~
MIKE: [Brandon] I started shunning everyone outside my social class! I
turned my back on hope and love!

> In the neighbor's back yard sat a trailer house.

TOM: Until the tornado hit, anyway,

> Emma, their unmarried second eldest daughter, her boyfriend, and her two
> children lived in it.

CROW: Something tells me this is one "Emma" Gwyneth Paltrow won't be
champing at the bit to play...

> The boyfriend, who was also on welfare, shacked up with her only after the
> welfare caseworker told Emma she should live with a man in order to
> present a father-figure to the young children.

TOM: Anything to preserve their screwed-up, twisted version of
"normalcy."

> The boyfriend was a backyard auto mechanic, accepting cash only, thereby
> not jeopardizing his monthly welfare payments.

MIKE: When you're in West Fresno, make sure you bring your Visa debit
card, because under-the-table welfare mechanics don't take American
Express!

> Nora, the youngest daughter was only thirteen and well
> developed for her age.

TOM: Her parents had opted for Kodak Ultra processing.
CROW: [vivaciously] "Well-developed," eh? I'm sure she is..

[MIKE reaches over to smack CROW in the back of the head.]

CROW: What? I'm just sayin'! That's what they meant when they said that,
isn't it?
MIKE: But it--\

[MIKE doubletakes, looks at Crow, looks at the screen, looks at Crow again,
then puts his head in his hands and sobs.]

> She and her boyfriend, a twenty-six-year-old crusty biker,

MIKE: [Iron Chef announcer] The salt crust grill seals in the natural
juices of the biker, and highlights the essence of the beer marinade.

> ran away to Coalinga, where they stayed for two months. She was "dumped
> off" at her parent's house, broke, hungry, and pregnant.

TOM: Ha ha ha ha ha! "Dumped off!" "White trash!" I get it!!!
MIKE: *groan* Whatever...

> At once, her mother made sure she was on welfare. She took up with a
> worthless youth named Arnold, who was using narcotics, and lived a half
> mile away. His entire family was also on welfare.

CROW: Your taxpayer dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen!

> One of Arnold's first acts was to plant marijuana behind
> Vida's house. Each day Nora and Arnold tended their dozen or so
> plants of illegal weed.

CROW: [Nina from *Harvest Moon*] I want to do garden forever!
MIKE: Whoa... grazing in the grass really *is* a gas!
TOM: Baby, can I dig it.

> Finally they harvested it and dried it in the sun. Then each day they
> rolled and smoked the grass.

TOM: Is this a cautionary essay or a farming manual?

> It wasn't long until Arnold graduated to cocaine and needed money to
> purchase it. So he stole bales of alfalfa right out of the field

TOM: ...and smoked them too!

> and sold them to unsuspecting horse owners.

CROW: Little did they know he cut his alfalfa with baking soda.

> Each afternoon, as many as ten or twelve other welfare recipients from the
> local area came to the back yard and joined in the narcotic sessions.

MIKE: [Dave Barry] In their drug-filled haze they decided that "Narcotic
Sessions" was a good name for a band.

> They drank beer and played rock and roll music.

CROW: Hey Mike, you drink beer and play rock and roll music--that makes
you white trash, right?
MIKE: Well, um... oh... HEY!

> I was amazed how deviant that community was.

TOM: Mike, if everyone in the town is doing drugs and on welfare, and
these guys are the only ones that aren't, wouldn't that make the
community's behavior "normal" and these guys "deviant"?
MIKE: I wouldn't think about it too much, Servo.

> I recall one day when my grandmother came in from the back porch and told
> us what Vida tried to get her to do.

CROW: Play the female lead in "Space Mutiny"?
TOM: Slap beef jerky on her face and puncture farmers with a pitchfork?
MIKE: Buy a demon-possessed stuffed monkey from Merlin's Shop of Mystical
Wonders?

> Vida encouraged my grandmother to sign up for public welfare,

TOM: [grandma] Sorry, but I already make $500,000 a year off my internet
startup!

> but she told Vida, "My husband is drawing a fire department pension from
> the city, he can't qualify for welfare."

MIKE: [grandma] Plus we already have a welfare for people our age--it's
called Social Security!
TOM: I thought it was called begging off your adult children...
MIKE: Eh... same difference...

> "I think you should try anyway," Vida insisted. "Heck, I
> tell all my friends, 'it's free, so you might as well get your
> share."

CROW: What is she? The head missionary of the International Church of
Welfare?

> Vida had experienced poverty for most of her life, along
> with illicit births, narcotics, theft, and unhappiness.

TOM: I guess fraudulent welfare money can't buy you happiness...

> She was discouraged with life after seeing her children and grandchildren
> drop out of school, smoke marijuana, steal, and become parents of
> illicit and unwanted babies.

MIKE: Although she encouraged them to do so every step of the way!

> At some time in their lives, each of her daughters had prostituted
> themselves for survival

CROW: C'mon, I know car insurance is expensive in California, but...

> or possibly spending money that the welfare check wouldn't cover. Vida
> had little to look forward to, except her meager monthly handouts of
> public welfare. With this as a lifestyle, it wasn't long until she
> decided to take her own life.

TOM: Man, this makes "Bleak House" look cheery by comparison!

> My grandfather and I were outside saddling up the horses

MIKE: [Data] Saddle up! Lock and load!
CROW: [grandfather] Time to rob the 8:30 stage!

> when we heard the scream; so loud it could be heard a half-mile
> away. I looked over at my grandfather, and he had a shallow look on
> his face. He said, "It sounds like someone is getting beaten over
> there."
> I replied, "Yeah, lets go see."