[ni'k]

[Insert Mystery Science Theater 3000 Castle-era theme here]

[SOL Bridge. Crow and Tom are off to the right, where a TV set and Super
Nintendo have been placed. Crow holds a controller in his hand, while Tom
watches the screen intently. Various electronic noises emanate from the TV.
Mike Nelson enters from the left.]

MIKE: Oh, hi everyone! Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. It
seems the bots have brought my old Super Nintendo out and are
playing a game of some sort, but I'm not sure what they're playing.
It seems to be some little kid running around a farm--hey guys, what
is this?

CROW: Hey Mike. I got this game off Ebay for nine bucks. It's called
"Harvest Moon". It's a farming sim!

MIKE: I didn't know you were interested in farming, Crow. So what do you
do? Do you manage labor? Monitor global weather conditions and
shipping routes? Carefully plan fertilization and pesticide
schedules? Invest in livestock and cattle futures?

TOM: Well, no... basically all Crow does is move this little guy around
picking up plants and putting them in a basket. And there's a lot
of them to get to before the day ends, so he can't slack off. Plus
he has to milk his cows and feed his chickens, and make sure they
are all happy. Then he has to go to bed, and wake up and do all
that stuff over again the next day. He also has to go into town
sometimes to attend festivals and buy seed and livestock.

MIKE: That seems like a rather repetitive chore. Why would you want to
play a game based on something you'd hate to do in real life?

CROW: Oh, like all of your games are so much less repetitive. Like your
RPGs where all you do is go around and beating up the same zombies
and multi-colored slimes over and over again. And Mario--if you've
seen one platform block, you've seen them all!

MIKE: But the point of those games is exploration and discovery--solving
puzzles, uncovering new parts of a story. All you're doing is
picking things up and putting them down again! Can't you even
buy a tractor or hire help?

TOM: Mike, you're missing the point. The point to this game is not to
fight enemies or even to achieve wealth; it is to reward diligence
and hard work with increased social status. As your ability to plow
and harvest crops increases, the people in the town like you more,
and give you gifts commensurate to your value to the community. And
once you have enough status and wealth, you can marry one of five
women to add to your overall happiness score.

MIKE: Leave it to the Japanese to turn hard labor and social
obligations into a video game! So why are you playing this, Crow?
I didn't think you were too big on either...

CROW: *sigh* I'm trying to get Ann to love me! She's just so cute, with
her tomboy charm and love of machinery! I've been playing for
twenty hours just to upgrade my house and get 1000GP so I can marry
her!

[MIKE and TOM stare agape at the camera.]

CROW: But then, there's Ellen! Her sweet nature and love of animals
just drives me wild! And I can't forget about Maria... she's a
church girl to be sure but she is just so beautiful! And what about
Eve? And Nina? I just can't choose! I love them all!

MIKE: Uhhh.... we'll be right back....

[Commercial Sign: WAR! HA! What is it good for? Huge ratings, of course!
Bombs! Guns! Death! Destruction! Live from the front lines with Ollie
North, G. Gordon Liddy, and Newt Gingrich! Tonight on FOX NEWS, your 'fair
and balanced' news channel!]

[SOL Bridge. The TV and video game system is gone. Crow is huddled in a
corner, sobbing his ping-pong ball eyes out.]

CROW: WAAAAA-HAAA-HAAA!!! What did I do????

MIKE: [entering with Tom] Crow, what's wrong?

CROW: My wife left me!!! She claimed that I was too much of a workaholic
and didn't spend enough time with her!

TOM: [sidling up next to Crow] Oh, Crow, there are other pixels in the
phosphor sea...

CROW: I can't take this anymore! I have shamed my community and my
ancestors! I'm going to go commit seppuku! [gets up, starts to
leave]

MIKE: [pulls Crow back] Get back here, Crow. Besides, Pearl's calling.
[hits Mads light]

[Castle Forrester.]

PEARL: Hey there, Neltron. So sorry your little farming game didn't work
out. I just wanted to let you know I've been doing a little
"farming" of my own. I have just found a website with all the
text files I need--to RULE THE WORLD!!!! Once I unleash this stuff
on a panic-stricken populace, everyone will bow down to me!
[cackles wildly]

[SOL Bridge.]

TOM: Oh no, she couldn't have!

CROW: It can't be!

MIKE: She couldn't have found the John_-_Winston archive! Or tracked down
Ratliff's secret stash!

[Castle Forrester.]

PEARL: No, no, no! Your limited minds cannot comprehend the incredible
treasure I have just uncovered! I have found a website devoted to
English papers--and not only that, they are all free! Free, I tell
you, free!!! It's called essay.org, filled with all sorts of papers
not even fit for those pay sites for student cheaters! Your essay
for today is one of the cream of the crop; a little piece of
academic cheese we like to call "My Stereotype" by Brandon D. Hart,
a little piece about the seedy underbelly of rural California
society... and how the author hates its guts! Enjoy!

[SOL Bridge. Movie sign flashes. Chaos ensues... you'd think after ten
seasons, they'd be used to this by now.]

ALL: WE'VE GOT ESSAY SIGN! [exit]

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

[All enter theater.]

> Brandon D. Hart

TOM: The next president of the United States!

> March 24, 1999

CROW: A day which will live in--
MIKE: [muffling Crow] It's been done.

> Final Revision

TOM: This summer's hot new blockbuster, starring Joe Don Baker as a hard-
edged history professor with a vengeance!
CROW: Thrill as he takes down Holocaust deniers and ultra-liberal textbook
publishers!
MIKE: Directed by Jerry Bruckheimer and Roger Mudd, only on the History
Channel!

> My Stereotype

CROW: "My Stereotype: Jar Jar Binks and Me", by George Lucas.

> When I was fourteen,

TOM: [Homer Simpson] ~ I drank a very good beer... ~

> I gave little thought to the various ways people earned money to support
> their families.

CROW: I thought people got their money off the money tree!

> I believed people worked to earn their livelihood.

MIKE: Despite constant media saturation, I had yet to learn about crime,
fraud, and "MAKE MONEY FAST" spams.
TOM: You've got the wrong idea, lad! The trick is not to work for your
own livelihood! It's to get *others* to work for your livelihood!
Just look at all of those feudal lords and sweatshop owners!

> It came as a surprise to learn there were devious ways of getting money
> without having to work for it.

CROW: [Brandon] I was surprised that I didn't think of them first!

> One method was known as public welfare abuse.

MIKE: [Brandon] There was *another* method, but we don't really talk about
it in polite society...

> After spending many weekends at my grandfather's ranch,

CROW: I got bow-legged.

> I discovered what welfare was, and how a community could abuse the system.
> At a young age, I quickly learned to associate the stereotype "white-
> trash"

TOM: With Jim Varney, Jeff Foxworthy, and monster truck rallies.

> with a welfare community, which existed in west Fresno.
> My older brother and I spent many weekends on my
> grandfather's ranch in west Fresno, shooting pellet guns and riding
> horses.

MIKE: Then we tried riding pellet guns and shooting horses, but that
didn't turn out so well...

> One Saturday morning the three of us were riding along the
> canal that separated the ranch from the neighbors. We all glanced
> up when a voice called out,

CROW: [voice] Look out! The canal's flooding!!!

> "Hi neighbor,

TOM: [Mr. Rogers] Welcome to my dysfunctional neighborhood!
MIKE: [Mr. Rogers] Can you spell "white trash", boys and girls?

> my daughter Suzy's gonna have a baby." I'd seen the woman
> before,

CROW: On COPS.

> she was a neighbor, but I didn't know her name.
> We reined to a halt and my grandfather said,

TOM: [grandfather] Did I remember to turn the coffee pot off?

***BOOM!!!***

TOM: [grandfather] Guess not...

> "Suzy, she's only a child, and not even married."
> "Oh it's all right, she's almost fifteen."
> "Have you considered an abortion?"
> "I won't let her have an abortion.

MIKE: [neighbor] What would the Pope think?

> I want her to have the baby and I won't let her get married either.

TOM: [neighbor] Men are pigs, after all! She's going to shack up with
a nice lesbian girl!

> If she's unmarried, the county will pay for the birthing and send her a
> welfare check every month.

MIKE: Does the author have any conception of how people *actually* talk?

> Heck, I was younger than she was when I got pregnant with Erica, my oldest
> daughter, and went on welfare.

MIKE: [grandfather] Uhh... why are you telling me this?
CROW: [neighbor] It's plot exposition... it has to go somewhere!

> The county has paid for all four of my daughters and five grandchildren."

TOM: If this isn't an argument for forced sterilization, I don't know
what is!

> Then she chuckled. "We're definitely a welfare family."

MIKE: [neighbor] I'm proud to be a sleazeball!

> My grandfather asked, "How about your husband?"

CROW: [grandfather] He's not pregnant too, is he?

> "Oh, Fred and I got married after I already had two of the
> girls. Never did know who the fathers were. At first, Fred was too proud
> to ask for welfare,

TOM: [Fred] Honey, I pull in $80K a year... do I really need to quit my
job so we can get $500 a month from the public dole?

> but then he learned how easy it was to qualify.