[alteredcourse]

Originally Posted by ni'k

I think that the idea of "oh i'm going to die anyway, so I might aswell use that as an excuse to drink, because then i can feel some sort of power because it's as if i'm killing myself and thus it's less frightening" is foolish.

Whenever I have been going through the hell of trying to avoid smoking or drinking or something I often justified giving in with the line of reasoning zizek pitches about life dragging on as an anemic spectacle of itself because by trying to prolong itself it ends up denying the very pleasures that make life worth living such as bad food casual sex drugs drink etc.

But I think this is horrible reasoning, as if there can be no better pleasures than these, as if dullening the senses in this way is somehow desirable out of an urge to "live" more. All my creative energies used to go towards trying not to smoke/drink or trying to come up with ways to do it and avoid the guilt.

This idea about escaping brain function - you don't escape brain function through drinking, you merely alter it by introducing alcohol into the blood/brain. You are playing with your caveman dopamine apparatus. The brains of severe addicts actually look physically different from normal (whatever that is) brains. The whole cliche about beer goggles, the idea of alcohol making an ugly woman attractive - the same can be applied to an ugly life. These things can make us tell ourselves and be able to believe in dreams and bullshit that will never happen because our addictions are slowly using us up and making our horizons smaller and smaller, until getting out of bed, getting the shit, and doing it becomes the only real priority or possibility. you end up sitting on the same couch and walking the same trek to the shop/dealers house everyday just so you can live in a fantasy world where you can almost convince yourself it isn't happening.

I don't think booze does anything other than dull/destroy the brain eventually. I think of the high you get as a dulling, it's like turning up the resolution on your monitor to make the picture quality better but you're watching a shitty movie. Or like listening to a mediocre album on an amazing soundsystem so you're fooled into thinking it's better.

But I am not trying to judge anyone, I am merely putting out information. I have been through a lot with addiction, now i feel the greatest hope in times like this, when i'm sober and less frightened i will end up back on something. I look forward to the good health and clearer mind that I will start to feel after months/years of sobriety. I feel like i'm bingeing on sobreity and it's like a reverse hit that never ends and gives you amazing sensations and improves your life. my problems arise from a horrible sense of the inevitability of pessimism and that i will end up back on something, that's my fight.

Remember Burroughs words "what can be done with drugs can be done by other means"

I couldnt add more. This is exactly it. Theres a balance between wishing to live a healthy life, and wanting to just rip it up and enjoy it in the meantime. I have been trying to ask myself things like "what exactly would you do with yourself that you're not now, if you were healthier? How healthy do i have to be before i think i'll know how to answer this question?"
There has just been too many points in time for me where I've thought "Ok...so I've been living this way all this time, and I'm not satisfied. It must not be working."