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!@#$%! · 07.18.2020, 05:10 AM

Relax! I know I grabbed you off the street, but I’m just a criminal, not a federal agent!

Opinion by
Alexandra Petri
Columnist
July 17, 2020 at 5:22 p.m. EST

Hello, harmless passerby, and welcome to my unmarked van!

I know this is very creepy for you, but I want you to relax: I am just a criminal, doing this entirely on my own dime and my own time, and you can have recourse to law enforcement later! I know it would be terrifying if I were actually some sort of federal law enforcement, because then you would have no recourse, and, furthermore, you might feel that the country had taken a serious turn. But, no, America is still as great as it has ever been! I, personally, am a criminal monster who is constructing a sculpture out of mandibles to placate the Elk God, but America’s system of rights and constitutional protections is absolutely still fully intact. So, that’s good.

I have gotten a lot of feedback during my years of seizing people without warning and placing them into this van (do be sure to fill out the form, which is located on the seat next to you) and the No. 1 piece of feedback has been that people want to know that America’s system of rights remains in place. Congratulations, it does! Now you can focus on being scared of me, personally, an extra-legal, non-state actor who should definitely not be doing this and who deserves to be punished as the criminal I am.

Again, I am just doing this for myself, with no color of law whatsoever! I heard on the news that there was a building here that had to be repainted with 47 coats of paint, and to me, that was a summons to come onto the street and start just seizing people at random and tossing them into this van. But, again, that is because my thinking is bad. I am in no way affiliated with any federal agency, not even of any kind! And, frankly, I shouldn’t be!

You can also guess that I’m not affiliated because this van is unmarked and I am wearing some sort of desert camo, which is not really suited for an urban environment. But that’s fine. I think it looks cool.

The governor has not asked for me to be here, and the mayor has not asked for me to be here, for two reasons: one, because they do not know about me, a private citizen; and, two, because if they did, I can guarantee they wouldn’t want Creepy Van Kidnap Bloke (my name needs work; please suggest alternatives on the form!) in their beautiful city one bit. But it doesn’t matter to me what they want.

I am here, because I want to serve and protect America’s men (statues) and women (courthouses). The way I see it, statues are more people than people, buildings are extra people, and fences are children. It is so much worse, to my mind, to attack a symbol than it is to harm a person, that if I ever saw someone burn a flag — there is literally nothing I would not feel justified in doing, and no one who would be safe from my van or my bone-based sculpture projects. Again, my brain is bad.

No, I will not tell you, beyond that, who I am and why I am doing this. But it isn’t disappointing that I won’t, because I am a criminal, operating outside the law. Sure, I believe that I am the embodiment of justice and that the president asked me to be here and help, but neither of those things are actually the case. My mind is very broken, and I anticipate that I will soon be arrested. I am just a simple monster-man, with no pretensions to being political.

Get excited for my jawbone shrine, we are almost there! And God Bless America!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opini...federal-agent/

07.18.2020, 05:10 AM	#8425
!@#$%! invito al cielo Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: mars attacks Posts: 42,488	Relax! I know I grabbed you off the street, but I’m just a criminal, not a federal agent! Opinion by Alexandra Petri Columnist July 17, 2020 at 5:22 p.m. EST Hello, harmless passerby, and welcome to my unmarked van! I know this is very creepy for you, but I want you to relax: I am just a criminal, doing this entirely on my own dime and my own time, and you can have recourse to law enforcement later! I know it would be terrifying if I were actually some sort of federal law enforcement, because then you would have no recourse, and, furthermore, you might feel that the country had taken a serious turn. But, no, America is still as great as it has ever been! I, personally, am a criminal monster who is constructing a sculpture out of mandibles to placate the Elk God, but America’s system of rights and constitutional protections is absolutely still fully intact. So, that’s good. I have gotten a lot of feedback during my years of seizing people without warning and placing them into this van (do be sure to fill out the form, which is located on the seat next to you) and the No. 1 piece of feedback has been that people want to know that America’s system of rights remains in place. Congratulations, it does! Now you can focus on being scared of me, personally, an extra-legal, non-state actor who should definitely not be doing this and who deserves to be punished as the criminal I am. Again, I am just doing this for myself, with no color of law whatsoever! I heard on the news that there was a building here that had to be repainted with 47 coats of paint, and to me, that was a summons to come onto the street and start just seizing people at random and tossing them into this van. But, again, that is because my thinking is bad. I am in no way affiliated with any federal agency, not even of any kind! And, frankly, I shouldn’t be! You can also guess that I’m not affiliated because this van is unmarked and I am wearing some sort of desert camo, which is not really suited for an urban environment. But that’s fine. I think it looks cool. The governor has not asked for me to be here, and the mayor has not asked for me to be here, for two reasons: one, because they do not know about me, a private citizen; and, two, because if they did, I can guarantee they wouldn’t want Creepy Van Kidnap Bloke (my name needs work; please suggest alternatives on the form!) in their beautiful city one bit. But it doesn’t matter to me what they want. I am here, because I want to serve and protect America’s men (statues) and women (courthouses). The way I see it, statues are more people than people, buildings are extra people, and fences are children. It is so much worse, to my mind, to attack a symbol than it is to harm a person, that if I ever saw someone burn a flag — there is literally nothing I would not feel justified in doing, and no one who would be safe from my van or my bone-based sculpture projects. Again, my brain is bad. No, I will not tell you, beyond that, who I am and why I am doing this. But it isn’t disappointing that I won’t, because I am a criminal, operating outside the law. Sure, I believe that I am the embodiment of justice and that the president asked me to be here and help, but neither of those things are actually the case. My mind is very broken, and I anticipate that I will soon be arrested. I am just a simple monster-man, with no pretensions to being political. Get excited for my jawbone shrine, we are almost there! And God Bless America! https://www.washingtonpost.com/opini...federal-agent/
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