[MellySingsDoom]

Pre-Summer Time clock-adjustment play-list thing (review comments by my first ever manager, mister BP (no, he wasn't BP Fallon, sorry to say). Three of these review comments are 100% genuine quotes from the man himself - can anyone guess which ones they are?)

1. Lush "Scar" mini-LP: "Is this music from an ice-cream van? We should have ice cream tomorrow, don't you think?"

2. The Sisters Of Mercy "Temple Of Love" 12-inch single: "I didn't know you liked Iron Maiden, boy. You be careful, your head will fall off with all that head-banging".

3. Einsturzende Neubauten "Kollaps" LP: (looks at LP cover) "Just look at the state of them! Haven't seen a soap bar in years, the whole shower. National Service would sort that lot out".

4. De La Soul "Three Feet High & Rising" album: "Is this that rap-hop music young kids listen to? Sounds like they're making funny noises to me. Still, this one's quite nice. Right it's your turn to get the post - I'm off for a nap".

5. Head Of David "I Am Roadkill (Rockatansky vs Schwarzenegger)" track: "Turn that bastard noise off NOW! This isn't Heathrow Airport, you know. Are you going to waste your life listening to that?"

6. Silverfish "Fat Axl" LP: "Just listen to all that swearing! They sound like the Johnny Rottens my kids used to listen to. Now Alma Cogan, there's a singer you need to listen to, boy"

7. Loop "Black Sun" 12-inch: "Did you read that Black Sabbath fellow interview in the Evening Standard? Now I like him, came up from nothing, you know. Just like me! (Listens to song) Is this Black Sabbath? They need to get a song, my lad - they should do "Michelle" by The Beatles."

8. Can "Saw Delight" cassette: "Oh, this is quite summery, this one. I like this! Who is this? Can? Hmm, won't remember that name. Play this in your car, you'll get the ladies with this one".

9. Cocteau Twins "Lullabies" 12-inch EP: "God, where did you get this plonky music from? No wonder you can't get sex, ahahaha! Oh, is this Kate Bush now? She lives in a tree, you know".

10. Butthole Surfers "Rembrandt Pussyhorse" LP: "What's this? Sounds like a church organ - yes, this is OK, lad. (pauses) What's with the weird voices now? (pauses) OK, I don't like this now - turn it off!"

11. Meat Loaf "Bat Out Of Hell" cassette: "Is this Queen? Meat Loaf? The wife cooked that last night, tasted rubbish as always! (pauses) So you like this so your girlfriend likes it too? Do you think dirty thoughts when you listen to this, boy? (goes off cackling to himself, leaving me to arrange about 27 couriers at once).

12. Frank Sinatra "Songs For Swinging Lovers" cassette: "Oh, a birthday present for me? Let's see (opens up wrapping paper) Oh now, Now then! This is what you call proper music (starts singing Sinatra tunes). We used to go to the Odeon, meet a girl, and dance to Frank and Sammy. Those were the days, my lad. Elvis Presley ruined music, you know".