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Listening to Palace's Arise Therefore on her computer. She bought this macbook when we were broken up and I was living in another house and she only ever uploaded this album, a Smog one, and a Gang of Four greatest hits. Interesting because this album meant so much to me when it first came out, but I never really listened to it with her. It was deep in both of our psyches as two individual trips and yet we obviously related. I couldn't be sitting here reminiscing about being in Olympia in the KAOS studio listening to this music alone yet on the air at 3 am, if it weren't for her uploading it when she was probably spiritually back in Austin. Our individual flickers synced up so well that it felt like one flame burning and spoke mutual smolders. Now Will Oldham sings through a shitty laptop speaker about "No Gold Diggers" while social security sends my little boy a monthly stipend for her loss. Loss is such a short word for a long, long feeling. It's so real and feels so unreal. I wish there was another good beer here. Some part of me wishes it was 1999 before I ever met her and I were still living on the beach in Oly with Biko my cat and last closest soul mate. Of course I wasn't happy then, and I've had happiness since that I can only thank her for. Our son is actually happy most of the time, and I will do all I can to keep that for him. I never dreamt there could be a disjointed, fucked up, not right universe as this one I'm stuck in now, but I suppose it will look better over time. This is not the right world though. I just can't get back to the right one.
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