-800. The girl I'm living with/dating/sleeping with is "watching a movie with a friend" and won't tell me who. I know she won't tell me for fear of pissing me off (because I know it's a dude), but the effect is the same.
My recourse: I'm getting drunk and smoking more cigarettes than I have in a year and listen to the Door's first album.
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"One: Where's the fife? and Two: Gimme the fife."
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