Jokes
 

I'm really loving the light-heartedness of this new board.

Let's tell jokes!

Q. Why did the medium cross the road?

A. To get to the other side!

A beautiful woman walks into a bar and asks the barman if he does double-entendres.

The barman says yes and gives her one.

Q: What's the difference between dead babies and my girlfriend?
A: I kiss my girlfriend after sex

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

LOL!!!

My favourite:

A terrible flood is striking the nation, and after two days waters are reaching inland. At the priest's house, it's four foot deep, but an army dinghy come into view and offers rescue. 'No' says the priest, 'God will save me, I will come to no harm'.

The next day the waters are ten foot deep and the priest has gone up to the top floor. From his bedroom window he sees the same army dinghy doing another search. 'Leave me be - God will not desert me', he reiterates.

Overnight, the flood intensifies and the priest is forced out of his bed and onto the roof of his house. Fortunately the army are doing their final patrol before things become too hazardous, and they beseech him to climb aboard. 'No, I say', quips the priest, 'My God will protect me, my faith is unshakeable'.

The waters rise and the priest drowns. Admitted into heaven, he approaches God, tears running down his cheeks. 'I trusted you, my Lord, all through the flood I kept my faith. Yet you let me die in the waters. Why did you not move to save me?'.

'You knobhead', says God, 'I sent three dinghys!'.

Arf arf.

why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

IN CASE OF DRIZZLE, Y'ALL!!!

Q: What do you call a man who makes beer?

A: a HEBREW!!!

LOLA:KLJFISALAJLKJDl I totally made that up at school last week

Did you hear about the fire at the carnival?
It was in tents.

a HAHSFhsadghsda;gj

What's the difference between a soccer player and a Republican?

A soccer player uses its head.

A dog walks into a telegram office and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examines the paper and tells the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replies, "that would make no sense at all."

I went in to our local butcher's the other day (he does veggie stuff too, see) and, being a gambling man, he said to me - 'Hey! I bet you can't reach those bits of beef up there!'.

'I'm not betting on that', I said, 'the steaks are too high!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

i like that one about the dog

Whats red, blue, black, and white?

A white dude being jumped by the bloods...

A minister, a rabbi, and a voodoo priest walk into a bar. Two hours later they come out with a life-long friendship and a new-found tolerance for eachothers' beliefs.

Schizo - that sounds like one of John Hodgman's "Jokes That Have Never Produced Laughter"

In fact, it is very similar to this one:

A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

Another one:

A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped." The pharmacist says, "We have nothing for ducks here."

noumenal- That's where I got it from.

Poor duck.

those are great

What do a bike and a fish have in common?

They both have wheels... except for the fish