Open letters to celebrities
 

Ok, so it's quite apparent that loads of celebrities read this forum, as do lots of non-celebrities (Hi, my name's Glice or something etc). So let's have an open letters thread!

Dear Elton John

JUST FUCK OFF YOU CUNT.

Yours,

Glice.

Dear Paris Hilton

Could you please take your sweaty clunge to the nearest nunnery, and never show your face (or clunge) to the public again.

Thank you, sweetcheeks.

Yours sincerely

Melly.

Clunge? what the fuck is a clunge?

He didn't want to use the real word in front of his son.

Dear Paris,

Ignore Melly, let's have some more decent tunes like star are blind.

Yours,

Glice.

PS - no more clunge though, thanks.

You have 3 guesses. Each incorrect answer dissolves a bit of your pancreas. Go!

Dear Bono,

DIE

Cheers,

Glice.

I have a good idea what it means, but don't know how it came to mean it.

Dear God

I have a problem.

I look like Elton John, but don't have his money.

Sort it out, now.

Yours not believing in you but chancing his arm anyway

Melly

He's a sensitive boy, and there's some things that are too rough for his ears. Mind you, y'know what he asked me the other day? "Oi Dad, can you tell me what "smoo juice" means"? Nearly had a heart attack, I did.

As in: 'A cup of java, and nix on the moo juice'?

i dont know what smoo juice is either.

dear chloë sevigny,

let's be friends. you dress ridiculously sometimes and that makes me love you more.

love, jade

Yeah, like that, but somewhat ruder.

Like your new avatar - I used to spend far too much time watching "Laverne and Shirley" when I should have been studying for my A-Levels.

When it was on at about 9 in the morning every day?

Dear Kelly Osborne.

I love you, let's get married. Don't you be thinking about what the others say, our love is pure and true and they can't stop our wild lovin'.

Yours,

Glice.

Dear Lauren Laverne,

I love you, leave that Scottish bastard and join me in holy matrimony. I love you more, and am possibly more of a drunk.

Yours,

Glice.

PS - I secretly love you more than Kellly O. Don't tell her though.

About half nine I think, just after breakfast TV. Can still remember the theme tune and intro. Sassy!

Dear Jamiroquai

Could you please take your smelly pseudo-funky mysoginist arse out of the gene pool, preferably through a huge ingestion of Ex-Lax?

Yours impatiently

Melly

I used to get up and have breakfast watching it. I must be older than you because I think I'd finished college and was trying to avoid getting a job.